hellison: (boneknickers)
Yes, it's bonekickers time again! Well, nearly. I will have popcorn.
I have an ICON. I am Ready.

What are to expect tonight? From the BBC -
Gillian risks everything to find the greatest sword in history. Why do clues lead to the poet Alfred Tennyson, who are the Disciples of Good Use and how they are connected to Henry Timberdyne?

Is it just me or do 'the disciples of good use' sound like the lamest cult ever?

Right. Off to make popcorn and get settled for the... enragifying joy.

And we're off!

SPACE, the final fronti... wait. 2222bc? That's handy. and Neat.
Oh god SWORD WORSHIP and now Tennyson. ooh and the Mysterious Intern IS Gilly's sister. Who she's ignoring in favour of talking to herself about Big Swords. As you would.

OMG DEXTER FLETCHER! And Whispering Yokels. In red coats? Is the whole episode going to be star trek themed?

"I don't have a quest!" psshaw ALL archaeologists have a QUEST! Mine is mostly for cider, true, but still.

Metal Detectorists are EEEVIL EVILL I SAY. Wonder how long before the redcoat gets it?

heee the director guy's tshirt 'I dig archaeology' More than the rest of the team ever seem to!
And now, Glastonbury! hahahah giving out about 'sections'. Obviously part of the attempt to make them look like Real Archaeologists.

HAHA slow motion trowelling?? Must be friday morning.

Ooh go Viv "you sad messed up woman". Quite.

Mystery In the Lab! Labs are very mysterious places you know. We have one at work. I'm sure ALL SORTS go on in there.

CAMELOT! Well, it is a Silly Place, it's fairly apt this lot go there.
Bye bye red shirt ;p

So, the table (not round tho, a bit oval) has Mystic Solar Alignments and also points handily to A GRAVE.

OOH HENRY TIMBERDYNE... why is this so scary? Ahh the mystery maske and Cult of the Lame Name. Nasty rich boys.
Rofl Dolly 'things i dare not speak of' ... ah they're obsessed with the Big Sword too. Heh. I bet he WAS one.

Aww Dolly's too scared? WHY is archaeology never this scary when I do it? No-one follows me in scary masks or anything :/

"All the gear, no idea". Well, quite. OOh i think her spidy archaeological sense are tingling... (heh damn clay pipes. THat I agree with). AHA it is FAKE. Or... a reburied original?

Bleh Emo speechtime. and... and almost kiss! Why didn't she snog him? He is pretty fine. Ooh they KNOW about the sisterness. And she's (Viv) Important because of it. Aww. Poor Dexter isn't the big baddy after all.

Woo. It's like a stalker's room, but of Swords. She does like her big weapon. And now for the 'history' part. EVERYONE has used The Sword. OH fuck no, don't drag in Boudicea! Ahh. so every thing they've encountered in the entire series so far leads to TEH SWORD.

Oh dear.
EEEE EEE JESUS RATS EEEWW
There was NO NEED for that. NO NEED. Poor Dexter :/ I mean, I know metal detectorists are EVILBADWRONG, but still. Excessive.

Heh. He's pissed he didn't get his snog and thinks she's insane. He may be right. SHe is a cow ;p
Is it just me or is the plot getting more and more like Buffy? They've all abandoned her, but no doubt will all come running at the end. Singing 'walk into the fire'.

Viv is in teh SCARY room with masks and a silly voice. Wanting ANSWERS.

Hmm. I wonder if the nurse is in on it. Anyone could be by this point frankly. Ah, it's under The Rug. Well hidden there.

EEEEEEEEEE DEAD DEXTER EEEEEEEEE
Seriously. NO NEED.

AHA the nurse WAS in on it. How did she manage to replace the floorboards AND rug from underneath? HOW?

Reconstruction time! they found a SHINY THING. A MAGICAL shiny thing. In the BRISTOL CHANNEL.
I see she's using her Archaeological Imagination! And a magical interwebs to handily find exactly what she needs.

How come Creepy Daniel is in this one so much? Is he in on the whole thing too?
YAY DOLLY comes to save the day! How did he work that out? Who cares! To the Rescue! With a beer bottle ;p 'this is their chapter house', I SAID he was one of them!

Aaaand the Archaeological Scoobies are all back again to help Gilly/Buffy (guffy?).
The sword is in teh grave. Of course the sword is in the grave. Why did no-one think of this before? Oh wait, it's just a Clue. To Wells Cathedral!

HAHAH "They drop all the way down to an underground cavern" hehehehe. And there's water, so technically a lake!

Woo Dolly is baffling them with... history. GIVE ME DATES!

AHAHAH WE HAVE IT

DON'T MESS WITH ME, I'M AN ARCHAEOLOGIST!!

and so is ben!

Um, wouldn't it be better to TIE UP the murderous baddies.

hahah the sword is in STONE? NO no no.
It glitters! like a sparkly vampire ;p

AHAHHAHAHAHA I AM GOING TO DIE LAUGHING HELP ME SOMEONE HELP ME

"MY mother loved that sword!" hur hur hur

and... she BROKE it? OF course she bloody broke it, she destroys everything she finds. Why did the man just vanish into the water tho? It IS a star trek cross over and he teleported away?

(i can't believe she BROKE it.)

heeeee they're throwing it back in? hahahahhaha.

ooh if it's broke, does that make it Narsil now?

Can't
Stop
Laughing

HELP ME
hellison: (spiral)
A journey thro HISTORY! ooh medieval france for the crappy reconstruction this week. Tho its a rather english looking field, and suddenly we're in WWI? and Fade To Archaeologists..

Ooh they found a tank. I'd LOVE to find a tank. Our Heros are Here to Fight Crime, and probably set things on fire. While getting shot at. And they know all about Tanks too, as well as every other period of history ever.
"That girl knows how to keep a secret" The Mysterious Intern of Mystery.

heh booby trapped tank. 5 minutes in and they're already blowing shit up? But, no don't call the bomb squad, go in wearing a bin and a hard hat.
Actually that's the closest to what Real Archaeologists would do yet ;p

Here come the stereotypes! She's pissed off the french guy and... ah of course. Has HISTORY with the lady german archaeologist. Cos all archaeologists know every *other* archaoelogist in the world. Its a bit Secrit Network!
This crap is really badly written too. Can I sit through this whole episode? Stay tuned to find out!


"This isn't a war grave, it's a war CRIME!" Of course it is, you are crime fighting archaeologists.

hee german lady 'Let me into your tent!' maybe they are Past Lovers too, like Iraqui guy last week.

Hmm.I know little of tattoos, but I'm pretty sure they don't go through to the BONE. Am I right? Particularly if the bodies are burnt...

Flash back time! Extensive Flashback too, a soldier knows of a WEAPON in church.

AHHHH FIER FIER, only 20 minutes in and they're burning the archaeology.
Aww someone killed the dog. And the posh, bumbling yet helpful MOD guy shows up just in time!

How does she KNOW they were executed without trial? She does well at the whole crazy assumptions thing. Hah and she's been proved wrong already.
ROFL owen from torchwood is in teh flashback! Must have come in the tardis. Maybe this means we'll get Jack, that might liven this shit up.

Blah blah secret weapon blah blah mystery blah...
And surprise surprise, the 'bumbling' MOD guy wants to take over and cover it up. Aww the German Archaeologist has gone all emo and gets to make The Speech this week.
hahaha someone's nicked half the bodies while they were fighing outside.

Why have they made Gilly, History Slayer SO unappealing as central character? She's a bad tempered nasty bullying cow!
Dead guys were all archaeologists too. Looking for Mystery Medieval Stuff. Do I care? I'm not really sure. Ahh, here comes the Joan of Arc link.
FIERY FLASHBACK Time.
heh "What does Joan of Arc have to do with anything?" I feel your pain archaeology guy. Hmm. I've watched every episode and i still have no idea what their names are.
Quick, TO THE LIBRARY!

The handily preserved clue! Hurrah! With a handy grid reference too! Well done Archaeologist Owen, Torchwood will be pleased. Do they HAVE to keep doing the flashbacks tho? Presumably Bringing THe HIstory to Life is supposed to make it more entertaining? WHY am i watching this??

Hidden Chamber time, no doubt the army guy will turn up to shoot at them JUST as they find Teh SECRIT BONES. Again.

blah blah end the war blah blah patriotism blah germans are EEEVIL. Ooh mexican standoff! Lots of shooting! Everyone dies!

Back to today! bet she's not in there
oh no! she is! With bullets. and HAH here comes Bumbling Army Guy, I got that bit right! I am still unclear on how exactly Joan of Arc's bones would have won the war for Germany.

Oh dear god ANOTHER emo speech. WE GO TO WAR WITH LEAD IN OUR HEARTS!
WTF? WHy?? WHY?? I'm quite glad this never, ever happens to me at work. The fire and shootings I could handle, the endless speeches would do me in.

Ah bollocks he didn't shoot her. I was hoping this would be IT. He stole the bones tho, the freak.
She has very shiny hair for an archaeologist too. No trace of Hat Hair for her.
Awww all the archaologists make friends at the end, and there is a Touching Moment. Can I shoot them all?

Hahaha Mystery Intern is Dr Histroy Slayer's secrit SISTER? hehehe
It's kinda cute how they're trying to put an Overall Story Arc into this, like there'll every be more...

Next week... KING ARTHUR. It had to be I guess

AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
"DON'T MESS WITH ME, I'M AN ARCHAEOLOGIST!"
Oh God i'm going to have to watch it, aren't I?
hellison: (spiral)
And what are our intrepid heroes up to this week? Poking about in a field somewhere? Scrubbing bits of pot with a toothbrush?

NO. In this week's exercise in Topical Archaeology we're apparently in Iraq after a 'looter' finds EXCITING STUFF and... "An Iraqi archaeologist from Gillian's past enlists the team's help to track down the Tablet of Destinies"

Of course he's from her past. We all have Mysterious Exotic Experts in our past you know. I have several.

And now food, so I can eat while being outraged ;p

Wait WTF are they doing digging in the dark?? And she's dissing STONEHENGE? What? And of course they have massive gazebos instead of manky portacabins.

Archaeology - 1 part scrubbing in the dirt, 9 parts bookkeeping. So where does the getting blown up/shot at/trapping in underground caves/rewriting world history come in?

I LOVE MY BRICK Archaeology meets Fr. Ted.
Ooh their spidey archaeology senses are Tingling again "he's looking for SOMETHING ELSE"

And now the weird mystical crap starts. Crazy occult... snakes out out for VENGENCE? Have they bothered to call the police?
Ahh and now the Sentimental Speeches. So. Much. Crap. Have popcorn now, can't stop watching.

Ooh the Mystery Occult Snake is after her. Ah, because she STOLE the necklace. Go go ethical archaeology. They never do tell you at college how life-threatening it all can be.

AND now they have it all worked out from practically no evidence. Complete with crappy imagined Reconstruction. Nice beard ringlets. For the Tablet of Dentristies!!11! (hi kanz :p) Magical prophecies on teh future of oral hygenine! TO UNIFY IRAQ.

And its Snakevision time. They use the same Snakevision the ones in Snakes on a Plane had. 'I've had it with these motherfucking snakes in my motherfucking trench?'
The Archaeological Scooby Gang are off to Save buffy Gillian, The History Slayer.

HAHAHAH WORST CGI SNAKE EVER> Couldn't they have gottnen a real one? Fended off with a pillow? Ooh it's pissed off now... EEE spiked. Go grumpy drunken archeologist guy.

OH NOES looter guy has a gun! As does mystery iraqi guy. Wiat, they brought the CGI snake? and set it on the looter guy? Least ethical archaeologists EVAR ever.
Here's the science bit! Scanning, 3d modelling in 5 minutes and insta-translation. Another day in the life of a university archaeologist.

"Why go after toothpicks and medieval pots when you can find prophecies of an ancient god?" AARGGGGHH HELLISON SMASH! BAD ARCHAEOLOGISTS, BAD!

Useful, having a handy child genius to do the translating, but its mysteriously DIRE. And the kid is kidnapped! What will happen now?

hahahahahhaha "I LIVE ON THIN ICE LOVE". Yep, everyday tales of everyday archaeologists. We did a skating course at uni.
So, why didn't Alexander teh great just smash he bloody thing if he was scared of it? And more guns! They do like guns on this. And child murder?

More grandiose speeches 'extinguish a nation's hope'? Everybody cries.
I'm sure there's a jokey ending about to happen.
Ah no, a MYSTERY about the intern. Since when did archaeologists have interns anyway?

HAHHAHA "I've got an Etruscan spear in my hand and I'm not afraid to use it"
Don't we all love. Don't we all.

Next week - the 1st World War and... JOAN OF ARC? So much WTF. Can't wait.
hellison: (spiral)
BONEKICKERS WTF??

First they find the True Cross. Then rewrite American History (and save a handily topical black presidential candidate). ANd this week? BOUDICEA. Oh and rewriting the history of Rome too.
OH DEAR GOD A big soppy speech about how archaeology IS LIEK DREAMS. I may throw up.

What i want to know, is where are the burnt mounds? Where are the 'anomalous features'? The random undateable pits?? The sitting in the mud for HOURS finding fuck all? THE GOING TO THE PUB?

Bah. BAH I say.

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