the lesser known perils of horse ownership

That controversial drugs report from a few weeks ago included the Interesting Fact that some drugs are safer than horse riding. This may be true, even tho it does not take into account the many tiny injuries you get every bloody day. Since Sunday I have accumulated the following -

1 bruised foot, right (being stood on)
1 grazed and bruised knee (falling in stony mud after being stood on)
2 skinned palms (as above, cleaning the mud out of those was Not Fun)
1 bruised fingernail, left ring (catching in gate latch)
1 cut and bruised finger, right index (as above, different gate)
2 bruised inner shin/calf/ankles (riding in thin breeches without chaps)
Various other Mystery Bruises
Stiff/aching shoulders, inner thighs & lower back (riding a large horse that hasn't been turned out in 3 days in an arena with 2 faster, excitable ponies. That part was fun tho, I'd forgotten she could go that fast!)

The most... unexpected side affect of riding came after I learned about 'dipping' - using a human pregnancy test on a horse. All you do is catch some wee (from the horse) in a bucket, and dip the test in, and voila! Sounds simple, right?
What actually happens is you end up standing outside a stable, covered in cold, wet mud, with bleeding muddy hands (ok, that part is optional), yelling "pee, damn you!" at a confused horse who can't work out why you dash in with an empty bucket every time she goes to the back of the stable (this also causes much amusement among your fellow horse owners). Eventually, horse goes to pee so you grab the bucket. Check to make sure you get the *clean* one, not the one with bits of feed and hay in. Stick bucket under horse, who is so suprised she stops mid pee.
Try test on the few drops you did manage to catch, before it soaks into the feed/hay. Do not be surprised if test fails to work at all. Give up, go home.
Next day! First step, buy another pregnancy test. A top tip here - while it might *seem* like a good idea to get some tasty Katy while you're there, wandering thro Tesco with nothing but the test and 6 bottles of strong cider will get you Looks. Also, you may think it cunning to go thro the self check-out, but alas, the tests have a security tag which needs removed by staff, then the alcohol needs approved. By the same member of staff. Resist temptation to explain it is for horse and just flee with what little dignity you have left.
Repeat procedure of previous evening, except horse now totally unco-operative re. peeing. Give up, wonder how your life came to this, drink cider.

Will try again Wednesday night ...