I know what you mean - if I get a genuine compliment I get very flustered and/or embarrassed and generally garble incomprehensibly or laugh it away. I am equally shit at giving out real compliments and am very self-aware, and worried that I sound creepy or that I'm sucking up for some ulterior reasons - this is accentuated by the fact that I don't do it very often, so when I do, I'm more conscious that it's out-of-character for me, see above ;p
I think the reason boasting is seen as bad is that it can introduce a competitive element into social situations - people don't want to be made to feel inferior to others in any way, and saying that you're better than your peers at something is doing just that. Obviously it's not perceived as badly to tell your friends how good you are at a hobby in which they have no personal interest, but when it becomes more relevant to your audience (eg your salary, or how good you are at a game you're playing as you're playing it), it makes more of statement.
Which in turn makes people on edge... it's hard to be warm to someone who has put out a challenge to your place in the pecking order, which on a primal, ape-society level, it is. If you're vying for the position as the alpha male, you're not out for cooperation and friendship, you're out for respect and submission. We're a little more advanced than that, I think, but it's still there in the background. And I've put this forward as a very male-male competitive thing, but I think in current society the position of "alpha male" (and competitiveness that goes with it) in social and workplace terms can be held by either gender.
Which, all in all, is a shame. We should be able to say how great we are without feeling concerned that people resent us for it. And we can - but it requires finding the right time and manner to do it (of which this is certainly one ;p).
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2005-12-03 04:54 am (UTC)I think the reason boasting is seen as bad is that it can introduce a competitive element into social situations - people don't want to be made to feel inferior to others in any way, and saying that you're better than your peers at something is doing just that. Obviously it's not perceived as badly to tell your friends how good you are at a hobby in which they have no personal interest, but when it becomes more relevant to your audience (eg your salary, or how good you are at a game you're playing as you're playing it), it makes more of statement.
Which in turn makes people on edge... it's hard to be warm to someone who has put out a challenge to your place in the pecking order, which on a primal, ape-society level, it is. If you're vying for the position as the alpha male, you're not out for cooperation and friendship, you're out for respect and submission. We're a little more advanced than that, I think, but it's still there in the background. And I've put this forward as a very male-male competitive thing, but I think in current society the position of "alpha male" (and competitiveness that goes with it) in social and workplace terms can be held by either gender.
Which, all in all, is a shame. We should be able to say how great we are without feeling concerned that people resent us for it. And we can - but it requires finding the right time and manner to do it (of which this is certainly one ;p).