Boasting or Pride

[hellison]

Something I've been thinking about for a bit now, that for some reason surfaced tonight.

Where is the line between pride in your achievements and abilities and 'boasting'? And why is boasting seen as such a bad thing?
I constantly run down my own acheivements and acomplishments.
I am *terrible* at accepting genuine compliments/praise for what I've done. They make me very uncomfortable and I instantly try to play down whatever it is I'm being complimented on.

Theorising here, it's partly being British (terribly sorry old chap, didn't mean to be better than you at something/ I ain't one for puttin' meself forward), partly being Irish (sure we're no good at anything, where's me pint?) and partly inflicted Irish Mother Syndrome (can't be showin' up the menfolk!).
That last one may be a general girl thing, I can only speak for myself.
I've always been taught not to brag, not to show off, not to flaunt achievements, accomplishments or wealth.
But WHY? If I'm good at something, why shouldn't I be able to say so, without adding some sort of deprecating rider along the lines of 'oh it was lucky, sure anyone could do it, you'd be even better at it, it's not that hard, I made lots of mistakes you didn't notice... and so on.

Never mentioning how much I earn, or how well I've done something, having to play down doing well in my degree because my brother didn't do as well (but then HIS degree was electrical engineering, mine was only archaeology, so it evens out really...) and then my then-boyfriend (really tho, he just wasn't that smart, so I just never mentioned my result). And yes, I AM still somewhat bitter about that.

Actually I know what set this off. In the off-licence tonight, buying a bottle of v. nice champers just because I felt like it, but in my head automatically forming an excuse in case I was asked what it was for.
After all I couldn't POSSIBLY say I was spending £30 on it just because I felt like it!

But why not? Why shouldn't I be proud of the fact that I do this because I can afford it because I EARNED it? Why should I feel guilty and cover it up?


So. Just this once, I am going to list the things I can do, and do well, with no riders, no excuses, no derogatory comments.



I am good at my job.
I got a 2:1 in my degree without having to slog my guts out or even stop going to the bar.
I help run a company that started out with just the 3 of us and now has 11 more employees with more on the way.
I earn a good salary, with profits from the company on top of that.
I have paid enough off my mortgage that it's now standing at about half of what my house is actually worth.
I can afford to go to Canada next week and, if I had enough leave (and someone to look after the animals) I could still afford to go to Sydney again next month.
I can afford to buy a bottle of very nice champagne for no other reason than I like it.
I can open and pour a bottle of champagne without either blinding someone with the cork or wasting half the bottle Formula One Style.
I can do all this and still have a healthy savings account.

I can drive a car
I can drive a bus
I passed the test for both of these first time.
I can jump-start a car.
I can check fuel, oil, water and tyre pressure levels on a car and bus and replenish as needed.

I can use a power drill.
I can put up shelves.
I can use a lawn mower and strimmer.
I can use a mattock and a long-tailed shovel (it's all leverage).

I can feed, groom, tack up, muck out and generally look after and handle a horse.
I can ride a horse.
I can get my obstreperous 16'2hh hunter to do what I want, when I want, most of the time.
I know what obstreperous means and how to spell it ;p

I don't have children of my own, but I am capable - and confident - enough with even young babies that my siblings and friends will entrust their children to me, not just for a couple of hours, but for a couple of days.

When I became a creator on the mud - http://discworld.atuin.net - I learnt to code from scratch - and from Drakkos's handbook and other creators (hi dasquian)
I created areas and objects in the game that not only worked, but people use and enjoy.
I created a monkey that can recite haiku's and wee on command (still one of my favourite things :p)
Non-creatorly, I can stab, mock, vine, bee and kill things with my BRAIN.

I can make pancakes.
I can make a decent cup of tea!


Some of these things I've done by myself, some I've done with the help of others, but all of them I'm damn proud of and I'm fed up of playing them down and pretending I'm not. So just this once, I'm not!

Give it a go, it feels damn good. There are plenty of things you can do and do well!
This post was sponsered by Pol Rogers Champange :p

Comments

[sleetersoulfire.livejournal.com]

We have been studying this in English Language! ;)

According to Deborah Tannen this sort of behaviour is common amongst women because of their social interaction goals. When women talk it is mainly to build bridges, form bonds and make sure everyone is happy (mostly, there are exceptions, yes there are mean women, blah blah). Part of doing this is ensuring that everyone feels comfortable. If you boast about your achievements then you may make others feel uncomfortable, which goes against the 'rapport talk', female style.

In a research piece conducted by H.M. Leet-Pellegrini he had pairings of people (m-m, f-f, m-f) discuss the issue of television violence on children. In some experiments he armed one of the pair with knowledge, and the time to absorb that knowledge, so as to make them 'the expert'.

In cases where the woman was 'the expert' and the man wasn't, she supported the man's position more than 'normal' (ie in m-m groupings or f-f groupings). The woman didn't want to display her knowledge in many cases, and would even down-play it.

This, according to Leet-Pelligrini is because women, when speaking, play a game of "have I been sufficiently helpful?" or "do you like me?" as opposed to the man's game of "have I won?" or "do you respect me?"

In the 70's this difference in style was termed "the deficit framework", because it was believed that the way men used language was superior. Now we call it "the difference framework", accepting that there are differences, but that the differences aren't a negative thing. ;)

Tannen even says that women will ritualistically degrade themselves in the knowledge that their female friends will play their ritualistic role of bringing them back up. E.G. Woman "My hair looks terrible." Friend "No it doesn't, it's fine."

Deborah Tannen (I <3 Tannen) also goes on to explain that women generally act as if they don't want authority, so that if/when they are not offered it they don't look foolish in front of others. She relates this to her own experiences as a world famous linguist. She often gets invited to speak on language and if invited onto a radio program will speak confidently. However, she wont just call into a station, even if the topic is something she is an expert in. She believes this is because in the first instance, she is a guest and her authority is supported and respected by those around her. In the second case she would either have to introduce herself and seem big headed (and run the risk of not being recognised) or she can simply state her opinion as a regular Joe and have it rejected because they don't recognise her authority on the matter. :)

Sorry to use your comments page as a revision tool, but I find this stuff quite fascinating. ;)

[hellison.livejournal.com]

That *is* fascinating! I haven't seen studies like this before but it matches exactly what goes on in my head. Even as I was writing this, there was a voice in the back of my head worrying that I might be seen to be putting other people down because maybe they coulnd't do some of those things.

Ditto with the not wanting to seem to be the expert or showing off knowledge. Which goes back to 'don't be showing the men up', and don't be seen to be showing off.
Mind you a few pints of cider and it gets a lot easier ;)

I don't *think* I play the 'oh i look awful/ no you don't' game so much, but I know a lot of women who do and I'm sure I have done it before!

But yes, fascinating stuff ;)

[sleetersoulfire.livejournal.com]

I don't *think* I play the 'oh i look awful/ no you don't' game so much, but I know a lot of women who do and I'm sure I have done it before!

But you would know, and automatically kick into, your expected role in the ritual if one of your friends said how terrible they were looking, wouldn't you? And you would feel quite mortified if, after taking the one-down position by saying how bad you looked/were at something your friend just agreed (not jokingly agreed, just flat agreed that you sucked). You'd be expecting them to bring you back up with their reply. We tend to call it fishing for compliments, but it is very ritualistic behaviour among women. :)

I think I'm going to use my research book voucher (when I get it) to buy one of Tannen's books. She's fab. ;)

--

I think I need to add the *generally* tag again. Please, no one get offended or tell me you don't do this and how so and so male you know does it. When talking about people it's really only possible to speak in general terms. ;)

[hellison.livejournal.com]

Oh yes I would totally fulfil the role expected, and do. I probably do it myself much more than I realise too now I think about it. As you said it's very ritual behaviour and almost *expected* in some cases.

[sleetersoulfire.livejournal.com]

There was another really interesting experiment which we read about in class where they took three person strong mixed groups, gave them a task to do and recorded the results. In half of the experiments they picked a leader at random. In the other half they gave the participants tests to complete, then picked a leader at random, but told them that they were the leader because they'd scored better in the test.

When women were, in their minds, randomly picked they were poor leaders, didn't wield authority and generally the task didn't go well. However, when the woman believed she was the leader through virtue of her experience and knowledge, she was able to wield the authority much more effectively, was confident and the task went well.

All very interesting, and good revision practice! ;D