Relationship Advice from Nuns

[hellison]

When we were in ... 3rd year I think, we got sent to Sr. Benedict, who was a quiet wee nun with no eyebrows, not long retired from many years of nunning out in Africa, for Education In Personal Relationships.
This mostly involved Sr. B., showing us her Book with Diagrams of the Reproductive Organs. She used to flick VERY QUICKLY past the male page, presumably lest we be corrupted by the drawings

She also had to give us Advice on Dealing with Boys, but, given her decades abroad, she was a bit out of touch there. Her main three points were -

1. If you MUST sit on a boy's knee, put a Telephone directory down first.
Where one was meant to procure this from at short notice, I'm not sure, but she was a big one for Planning Ahead. Which leads to ...

2. Always Carry A Hat Pin.
Thus, if despite the safety barrier of the phone book, the Young Man gets "Upset" (we *think* she meant Aroused here), you can Defend Yourself. I always reckoned he'd be a hell of a lot more Upset AFTER being stabbed with a hat pin than before...

and

3. Never wear Black Patent shoes with a Skirt
because boys can look at your feet and see what colour your knickers are! I have, in the intervening years, yet to come across a boy who had ever heard of this.


Tho these pale somewhat against the excellence of the advice thesme_01 was given when about to go to university. Which was

4. If the Lights go out at Party (which Evil Boys will organise by not putting their shillings in the meter!), jump on the nearest table and yell "I'm a Catholic, nobody Touch me!"

I would have LOVED to have seen that one in action...

Comments

[tyrell.livejournal.com]

the Lights go out at Party (which Evil Boys will organise by not putting their shillings in the meter!), jump on the nearest table and yell "I'm a Catholic, nobody Touch me!"

Holy living crap.

This explains so very much about my Irish Catholic mother and her being taught by evil nuns.

[hellison.livejournal.com]

Bear in mind some of the girls they were saying this to would have been going to uni in BELFAST. In the late 80s/early 90s. So, getting touched by boys could have been the least of your worries after pulling that stunt...

[tyrell.livejournal.com]

o_O

[thesme-01.livejournal.com]

Nonono! The ONLY people to whom this advice was given were those who were proposing to leave the glorious republic. Presumably no-one in the sanctified 26 counties a) lived in digs b) used metered electricity c) had peniii

[gnillot.livejournal.com]

So unfair. Growing up as a Catholic in Northern Ireland is obviously much more fun than growing up a protestant in Sweden. :(

I wanted amusing relationship advice as well, damn it! All I got was a blushing 19 year old janitor boy who got roped into doing our 7th form science classes (including sex ed) when the teacher left :/

[hellison.livejournal.com]

WTF you had a teenage janitor teaching you sex ed? Wow.

Things got less amusing the following year when we had the Tragic Mrs E for EPR. She started out as a nun, left, was Unhappy, then met a Nice Man, got married and was Very Happy for 2 years til he died suddenly.
When she came back they picked HER to teach us all about Love and Marriage. Which mostly consisted of weekly sessions of her bravely starting out, then breaking down in tears and us awkwardly not having a CLUE what to do (we were only 15!).

And people wonder why I think nuns are evil...

[being-here.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahahahaha. Nuns are crazed, aren't they?

[hellison.livejournal.com]

Crazed and EVIL.

These weren't even the ones who wanted to blow up the castle (that's a story for another day...).

[being-here.livejournal.com]

Aw! Just a chapter? Please? I'll be good...

;p

[hellison.livejournal.com]

Remind me to tell it next time we meet ;)

Or i'll write it up tomorrow maybe!

[mivvvv.livejournal.com]

What do Catholic boys get told?

[hellison.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure. I think they were mostly too busy getting beaten by the Christian Brothers to be told much. Women are EVIL I think formed the basis of it :p

[lazy-hoor.livejournal.com]

Mr Hoor went to a school run by priests. During sex ed they'd give the boys lollipops if they got through the lesson without laughing.

Mr Hoor's brother was brought into a priests bedroom to discuss masturbation.

[mollydot.livejournal.com]

Girls are only after one thing and you have to be strong?

[lazy-hoor.livejournal.com]

"You should be a Catholic cos cleverer people than you were Catholic'

What, like Hitler?

[adelpha.livejournal.com]

Possibly where to get a phone book from? Or what to do when you have a woman pinning you down with one?

[hellison.livejournal.com]

Rofl, I never quite thought of it from the guy's point of view before, but a woman bearing down on you with a phone book could be quite daunting. And that's before she brandishes the hat pin...

[adelpha.livejournal.com]

Or possibly to rmind them to kneel around the table and look up when the lights go out, so they get a good view up the skirt when they come back on? ;)

[thesme-01.livejournal.com]

DON'T. WANK.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_unhurt_/]

aha! AHA! the mystery of your Squintness is solved! clearly, all those years of carting a telephone directory round under one arm Just In Case have caused you to develop a slope!

[hellison.livejournal.com]

They are pretty hefty things to lug around a disco, let me tell you!

[http://users.livejournal.com/_unhurt_/]

and do you need one per boy? or are they resuable?

[thesme-01.livejournal.com]

Depends on whether they get Upset. The boys, I mean.

[hellison.livejournal.com]

Perhaps they do not realise it is all TRUE. Srsly!

[hieronymousmosh.livejournal.com]

I'm a Catholic, nobody Touch me!

!! This was used on me - by a *boy*. And it worked! I have no idea what one says to "I'm Catholic" when it's a reason for not fooling around. No tables were jumped on, though :(

[hellison.livejournal.com]

... wow, really? Someone actually used it??

Am so impressed ;p

[hieronymousmosh.livejournal.com]

There was kissing and then I was told "no, I'm Catholic!" - I still don't even know what that was supposed to mean.
And I'm pretty sure I wasn't doing anything that was going to get him pregnant.