A Learning Experience
Jul. 5th, 2009 01:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hellisonSome time ago, last year I think, I was reading one of the Gossip Mag ilk - Closer/New/Star/whatever on a journey, and I came across the problem page, where the Problem Answerer was Vanessa Felps.
A lady wrote in with a question about a a guy she liked that she hung out with a lot, went to films/cafes/bars with but Did He Like Her. The answer was, which at the time I totally disagreed with was "he must do. To men, women they aren't attracted to are invisible"
I thought "WTF? that's bollocks! I have many male friends to whom I am sure I am not invisible, despite there being no sex! Obviously, this is a pile of sexist (against teh menz) shite!"
Since then, however, I have had occasion to rethink and wonder if she was not, in fact, right. I have discovered that however much I might talk (which is A Lot) , people aren't always listening.
But, until today, I did think they at least realised I was there...
Tonight I went for drinks with a friend V. (male) who moved to England some years ago. As, on many previous occasions, when he's been back, the same small group of friends meet up - ie friends of his who only really meet to see him.
This group usually involves me, V.'s cousin and her husband, his blokey mates S (now shunned), P (who drives) and I. Sometimes more, but that's the basic group. All there tonight except S.
Tonight I had the following conversation
ME - lalalala stuff, things lalallal CIDER LALLALAL TALKING LOUDLY ABOUT STUFF LALALALLA
I. WHAT? You were never like this before!
ME like what?
I. LOUD! You were always so quiet
*silence descends. All look at I.*
Me. Um, What?
I. Loud! and a bit scary! When did that start?
Me. Always? With the loud especially. ALWAYS!
I. I never noticed!
Me well. Every other time we met, there were more people. And by 'people' I mean other ladies, so you never really bothered to pay any attention to me before. You never actually talked to me.
I. (and I swear, he said this) NO! I've known you for 10 years and you were NEVER loud!
Me. ...
Everyone else ...
Me - you heard him say that, right?
Everyone else *nods*, baffled ( and some guffawing)
Me - we've never actually had a conversation before. Beyond the basics. You never *had* to talk to me before.
I. *confused* no! you were always just quiet!
Everyone else - (who, remember, include people I've only met IN HIS COMPANY) QUIET?? HER?? *baffled*
And then we all went home.
So. Seriously, F-list guys, was Vanessa right ? Do Girls (or Boys) You Don't Fancy basically... not exist for you?
I'd have sworn (loudly ;p) that she was talking utter bollocks before, but lately? I'm starting to wonder.
She's not right, is she?
(btw I am not Offended in an OMG Why Doesn't He Fancy Me Way, just... baffled. No-one has EVER said - and again, NOT MAKING THIS UP - "but you were always the quiet one" to me.)
A lady wrote in with a question about a a guy she liked that she hung out with a lot, went to films/cafes/bars with but Did He Like Her. The answer was, which at the time I totally disagreed with was "he must do. To men, women they aren't attracted to are invisible"
I thought "WTF? that's bollocks! I have many male friends to whom I am sure I am not invisible, despite there being no sex! Obviously, this is a pile of sexist (against teh menz) shite!"
Since then, however, I have had occasion to rethink and wonder if she was not, in fact, right. I have discovered that however much I might talk (which is A Lot) , people aren't always listening.
But, until today, I did think they at least realised I was there...
Tonight I went for drinks with a friend V. (male) who moved to England some years ago. As, on many previous occasions, when he's been back, the same small group of friends meet up - ie friends of his who only really meet to see him.
This group usually involves me, V.'s cousin and her husband, his blokey mates S (now shunned), P (who drives) and I. Sometimes more, but that's the basic group. All there tonight except S.
Tonight I had the following conversation
ME - lalalala stuff, things lalallal CIDER LALLALAL TALKING LOUDLY ABOUT STUFF LALALALLA
I. WHAT? You were never like this before!
ME like what?
I. LOUD! You were always so quiet
*silence descends. All look at I.*
Me. Um, What?
I. Loud! and a bit scary! When did that start?
Me. Always? With the loud especially. ALWAYS!
I. I never noticed!
Me well. Every other time we met, there were more people. And by 'people' I mean other ladies, so you never really bothered to pay any attention to me before. You never actually talked to me.
I. (and I swear, he said this) NO! I've known you for 10 years and you were NEVER loud!
Me. ...
Everyone else ...
Me - you heard him say that, right?
Everyone else *nods*, baffled ( and some guffawing)
Me - we've never actually had a conversation before. Beyond the basics. You never *had* to talk to me before.
I. *confused* no! you were always just quiet!
Everyone else - (who, remember, include people I've only met IN HIS COMPANY) QUIET?? HER?? *baffled*
And then we all went home.
So. Seriously, F-list guys, was Vanessa right ? Do Girls (or Boys) You Don't Fancy basically... not exist for you?
I'd have sworn (loudly ;p) that she was talking utter bollocks before, but lately? I'm starting to wonder.
She's not right, is she?
(btw I am not Offended in an OMG Why Doesn't He Fancy Me Way, just... baffled. No-one has EVER said - and again, NOT MAKING THIS UP - "but you were always the quiet one" to me.)
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no subject
Date: 2009-07-05 03:33 pm (UTC)Vanessa is very much wrong. I notice the existence of many people I have no desire to get intimate with. I would even go as far as to say I often prefer the company of people where I don't feel any pressure and am not constantly aware of how uncool and dorky I am. I often choose to sit with people who are just good fun to be around because there's so much less pressure when it's just a group of friends than when you're thinking/wondering/hoping that bedroom action might happen. ;)
I'm sure what Vanessa says has a tiny grounding in reality. I'm sure there are some men who do that, but then I'm sure there are some women who do it as well. I think the person Vanessa is giving advice to has had some reasonably bad advice. It could be that the guy just really likes her company, but doesn't want a relationship with her. It's possible that the guy wants sexy time with her, but the basis of Vanessa's advice is bull. :)
LONG REPLY TIME IS OVER NOW! ;)
no subject
Date: 2009-07-06 08:27 am (UTC)And that's a very good point about the lack of pressure; one of the reasons I enjoy the infrequent nights out with these guys is precisely that!
The reason vanessa's 'advice' stuck in my head was because I thought it so outrageously wrong. Until I had cider and discovered someone had Failed to Notice me! THE HORROR!
*swoons at the very thought*