A Learning Experience

[hellison]

Some time ago, last year I think, I was reading one of the Gossip Mag ilk - Closer/New/Star/whatever on a journey, and I came across the problem page, where the Problem Answerer was Vanessa Felps.
A lady wrote in with a question about a a guy she liked that she hung out with a lot, went to films/cafes/bars with but Did He Like Her. The answer was, which at the time I totally disagreed with was "he must do. To men, women they aren't attracted to are invisible"

I thought "WTF? that's bollocks! I have many male friends to whom I am sure I am not invisible, despite there being no sex! Obviously, this is a pile of sexist (against teh menz) shite!"

Since then, however, I have had occasion to rethink and wonder if she was not, in fact, right. I have discovered that however much I might talk (which is A Lot) , people aren't always listening.

But, until today, I did think they at least realised I was there...

Tonight I went for drinks with a friend V. (male) who moved to England some years ago. As, on many previous occasions, when he's been back, the same small group of friends meet up - ie friends of his who only really meet to see him.
This group usually involves me, V.'s cousin and her husband, his blokey mates S (now shunned), P (who drives) and I. Sometimes more, but that's the basic group. All there tonight except S.

Tonight I had the following conversation

ME - lalalala stuff, things lalallal CIDER LALLALAL TALKING LOUDLY ABOUT STUFF LALALALLA
I. WHAT? You were never like this before!
ME like what?
I. LOUD! You were always so quiet

*silence descends. All look at I.*

Me. Um, What?
I. Loud! and a bit scary! When did that start?
Me. Always? With the loud especially. ALWAYS!
I. I never noticed!
Me well. Every other time we met, there were more people. And by 'people' I mean other ladies, so you never really bothered to pay any attention to me before. You never actually talked to me.

I. (and I swear, he said this) NO! I've known you for 10 years and you were NEVER loud!

Me. ...

Everyone else ...

Me - you heard him say that, right?
Everyone else *nods*, baffled ( and some guffawing)

Me - we've never actually had a conversation before. Beyond the basics. You never *had* to talk to me before.

I. *confused* no! you were always just quiet!

Everyone else - (who, remember, include people I've only met IN HIS COMPANY) QUIET?? HER?? *baffled*


And then we all went home.


So. Seriously, F-list guys, was Vanessa right ? Do Girls (or Boys) You Don't Fancy basically... not exist for you?
I'd have sworn (loudly ;p) that she was talking utter bollocks before, but lately? I'm starting to wonder.

She's not right, is she?

(btw I am not Offended in an OMG Why Doesn't He Fancy Me Way, just... baffled. No-one has EVER said - and again, NOT MAKING THIS UP - "but you were always the quiet one" to me.)

Comments

[glassstrider.livejournal.com]

Vanessa was wrong, on the general principle that men and women are not completely differrent, and those who suggest otherwise are entirely wrong.

Your original instinct was right, I was just confused.

(Or you only ever met him at building sites?)

[mollydot.livejournal.com]

I think that it is true for some guys and not true for some guys. I don't know which is the majority. I think it is not true for the majority of guys I know well, but I am less likely to hang out with guys it is true for.

[failing-angel.livejournal.com]

Do Girls (or Boys) You Don't Fancy basically... not exist for you?
Certainly from my perception, I don't do that - I'm perfectly willing to be corrected; however, it's not conscious.
As a caveat, I think my perceptions of someone may shift if I talk to them direct rather than in the same general group but not part of the conversation that I'm participating in.

Ack!! Just re-reading the comment - yes, people I don't fancy do exist (read that how you will). Then again I do enjoy 'robust debate' down the pub with a mob of people nattering away.


Apologies - 27hrs awake (less about 20 mins doze).

[kake]

I think (a) some people just don't pay attention to people they don't think are important/useful/interesting to them, and (b) for some people, "important/useful/interesting to me" is strongly affected by "how attractive they are to me". So people who're both (a) and (b) might come across in the way Vanessa is describing.

[lazy-hoor.livejournal.com]

It's bollocks. Or, as Mollydot says, perhaps true of some men. Definitely not true for the men I know anyway.

[sleetersoulfire.livejournal.com]

Well, I can say, hand on heart, that I've never fancied you. I don't mean that in a nasty way, and I'm sure you know I don't. However, I have noticed, on many occasions, that your volume control seems to believe that LOUD is the right end to be set at. ;)

Vanessa is very much wrong. I notice the existence of many people I have no desire to get intimate with. I would even go as far as to say I often prefer the company of people where I don't feel any pressure and am not constantly aware of how uncool and dorky I am. I often choose to sit with people who are just good fun to be around because there's so much less pressure when it's just a group of friends than when you're thinking/wondering/hoping that bedroom action might happen. ;)

I'm sure what Vanessa says has a tiny grounding in reality. I'm sure there are some men who do that, but then I'm sure there are some women who do it as well. I think the person Vanessa is giving advice to has had some reasonably bad advice. It could be that the guy just really likes her company, but doesn't want a relationship with her. It's possible that the guy wants sexy time with her, but the basis of Vanessa's advice is bull. :)

LONG REPLY TIME IS OVER NOW! ;)